It’s been a minute.
I’ve wanted to blog so many times over the past few months. I’ve wanted to share what our life has been like here in Hanoi. I’ve wanted to post about all the food we’ve eaten and the places we’ve visited, but I wanted to do it for me. I didn’t want it to be a responsibility or a chore. I wanted to WANT to write.
I finally reached that point.
The last 6 months have been about recovery and self care. I try to keep my posts pretty positive, but the reality is that it took a long time to recover from everything that happened to me in China. I’d hoped that writing it all out in August would allow me to leave it all in the past, but I guess trauma doesn’t really work like that. It’s been a process.
Part of the process has been just identifying all the ways I was hurt over the summer; not only by Suzhou’s immigration bureau, but also by people I had considered friends. People who I had gone above and beyond to help in the past, who left me high and dry when I needed them. People who spread rumours and said hurtful things about me, and who just acted like I no longer existed the second I wasn’t useful to them anymore. In some ways, the mourning of those friendships was far harder for me than dealing with the psychological abuse I faced from the authorities.
My physical health also suffered a lot in the months I’ve been absent from my blog. I caught Hand Foot & Mouth disease within 2 weeks of getting to Hanoi, and it was a severe case. My feet are STILL recovering, nearly 6 months later. Then I caught a terrible chest cold that wouldn’t go away. I wasn’t sleeping much either, which made it so much harder for my body to heal. I was dealing with a lot of pain in my leg and back as well from old injuries.
My anxiety was also worse than it’s been in years. Every time a police car drove by me, my heart stopped for a second. The flashing light of sirens also threw me into panic attacks. My hands would go numb and I’d have to breathe my way back into a better state. Loud noises and crowds made me very jumpy as well, to the point where I was really struggling to manage my classrooms. This anxiety even caused me to struggle with my voice. My students joke that I’m addicted to Ricolas because I rely on them just so my voice doesn’t give out. Anyone who knows me in person knows that my voice is not exactly something I’ve ever struggled with… But after all that happened, it’s like my vocal chords were seizing up.
The hardest part of the last 6 months has been the rediscovery of who I am now. I’m no longer a rescuer; I can’t handle the thought of going back into that life. The idea of facing crisis after crisis and solving problem after problem makes me feel sick. I’m not a musician anymore. I’m not a community leader. I went from being someone everyone in Suzhou knew…. To being nobody.
The worst part of it was that my social anxiety made it impossible for me to build a new community of friends. I’m extremely extroverted, and I need to be around others to really be happy….yet I’ve been too caught up in all my anxiety to make friends. It has been a really terrible snowball affect. Having a social life gives me energy, but I didn’t have the energy to build a social life.
But I haven’t just been dwelling on all of this these months. I’ve been focusing on getting better and on becoming ME again. Dave and I joined a gym, and my back and leg pain has improved a lot as a result. I’ve also lost 7kg. I use the steam room to meditate and have been doing a lot of yoga as well. I feel so much stronger physically.
I’ve also been giving myself permission to rest and to focus on myself and what I need. We’ve done some traveling and gotten out of the rut we’d gotten stuck in during COVID. Most of all, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting. I’ve picked apart what hurt me so badly, and have come to understand the different levels of betrayal I felt in those months.
Of course, I’ve focused on the positives I saw last summer as well. People who barely knew me invited me out to chat and to see how I was. People I’d never done anything for were there for me. So in some ways, although I felt very discarded…I also saw the good in people.
I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be able to go back to China. I’ll never walk into SAPA again and hear the excited barks of 1400 dogs that love me unconditionally. I’ll never take a walk around Jinji Lake again or do the canal walk. It definitely breaks my heart a little bit, but I also know that if I ever did go back, I’d never feel safe. After writing candidly about what immigration did to me on a public platform, I don’t know if a visa request would ever even be approved. So…that chapter of my life is done. China got 10 years of my life…. More than a quarter of it, to date… But it’ll get no more.
I took big step this week. Several, actually. Although we’ve been very slow to make new friends in Hanoi, we have had the luck of spending time with OLD friends who happened to be here. Through them, we met a few new people, including the owner of a restaurant & bar called Barbaros.
This week, I contacted one of the owners of Barbaros and set up 2 things: A Foodie event that I’ll be organizing after Lunar New Year, and a performance that I’ll be doing for them on Valentine’s Day.
This week, for the first time since I was arrested on July 1st…I picked up my guitar and played. It felt good. My voice was strong and I spent several hours just belting out some of my favourite songs and learning some new ones too. My fingers are killing me (I miss my callouses!!) but it’s a good kind of pain.
Today…I got a picture of Dave and I at the airport, on our way to Danang for a short Tet holiday, and for the first time in a long time…my eyes are happy.
I’m planning on doing a bit of writing on this holiday. Check back soon to hear about the awesome day & weekend trips we’ve been taking, and about Vietnam’s ancient imperial city: Hue.
